To the one who says he is in love with me

Dear You,

Do you love me? I know you have told me this almost nine times, two of which were followed by a question mark, but do you really? Can you give me a reason? Now before you answer this, just know that I’m not fishing for compliments. You've already told me whether or not you think I’m cute/smart/interesting/unique etc. I am asking you to clarify because I'm scared. I'm scared that you love me, or even terrified, love me for the real reasons. I don’t really know what these “real reasons” are because I don’t know a lot about this whole romantic love thing. But when you say that you love me, do you mean you love chasing me? Do you mean you love staring at me from a distance? Do you mean we can talk about stuff for hours while arguing and giggling at the same time and that is why you love me? Or do you mean that although I'm irritating, coward, confused in an I-don’t-know-what-I-want kind of way and dress up like a tomboy in jeans and t-shirts because that is what I feel the most comfortable in; although I can’t stand straight while talking or look straight while walking, you still love me? If you love me like that, then I need to know. Because if you love me like that, even though there are so many things that are wrong with me, I need to know. I especially need to know, if you love me because of them. Because that, correct me if I am wrong, is real love. I don’t think that anyone has ever loved me that way, and I don’t even know whether or not ‘you’ love me like that. After me telling you ‘no’, countless times, straight on your face; after me telling you that I don’t date a person casually; after you telling me that I was the one who you feel different for; after me pushing you away yet again saying we should limit-our-conversations (and regretting it immediately); I wonder if you do actually love me like that?

I wonder ten years down the lane, looking back, reflecting; will I be thinking-“You had a guy who you almost fell in love with, who loved you (at least that was what he said), who would listen to your mindless rambling, who actually cared listening to you when the rest of the world didn't, who in some ways knew you better than your own mother, who would have gone to any boring place of your choice just to spend a little time with you, who told you that you inspired him and that he wanted to be like you, who would read your stupid quotes and would do all of this just because he wanted to be your boyfriend? You had a guy who wanted to commit to you, who wanted to prioritize you, and he never hesitated to tell you this. You had a guy who would have made you familiar with the wonders of this world hidden from your eyes.  You had a guy who loved you. And you were too scared to give him a shot. Too scared to let him in?” Ten years down the lane, I don’t want to be the person thinking that.

So do you love me? Do you like ‘really’ love me? Do you love me despite the number of times I've flung your heart at the wall? Do you love me despite of the times I said no? Do you love me despite how terrified of being loved I am? Do you love me in spite of me?

And if you do, will you tell me about it? Because if you really love me in an I-don’t-care-because-I-know-you’re-the-one-for-me kind of way, I just need to know. And while I am drunk and all in a mood for straight-from-the-heart conversations (and also because I will never be able to say this on your face), I will take this opportunity to tell you that if you do, then I wouldn't mind loving you too.

Love,

Me

Crestfallen

"I love you, till death do us part"

were lines that I once had read.

It spoke of undying affection,

love was what it said.

It spoke of trials, these lines above,

yet with silver linings in between.

It spoke of hardships, toils and troubles

and all that had been.

But if you think about these lines

spoken from depths of hearts,

You would see that these lines

were broken from the start.

When in love, though trials there may be,

they are never trials of love;

for if love is true and love is pure,

there can be nothing above.

With you in my head...

Has no one told you that you're perfect? For the last one year I have been observing you from a distance. I fell for you the moment I saw you - didn't know your name or who you were. But you were different from the rest of them. You still are special. I remember the first time you called out my name; remember looking around and seeing if it really was you. I still remember walking up to you with confidence but had my heartbeats so fast. And has no one ever told you that you’re beautiful? You make me swoon every time you smile. But I’m everything that you are not- a coward, a nerd, a bookworm. I can’t look you in the eye. What’s worse is that I can’t even tell you all this. It’s not the fear of rejection that holds me back, but it’s the fear of how it will end. It is the fear of getting hurt, once again, that stops me. What if you get tired of me? What if you get bored? For I am the last person anybody would want to spend time with. I can’t talk properly to people; at least not without hurting them. Growing up alone has its own disadvantages. And you will find thousands like me out there. But where will I find someone like you? So, I guess that’s how it should be left, because some things are not meant to be said. You’ll go your way and I will go mine, and our ways do not cross. But all I want you to know is that no matter what you do or where you are, you will always be in my prayers. And if life gives you something that you have always dreamed of having, just think about me, just once. That would make me the happiest person in this world. 

College Student

I have known starvation and gluttony. I have known wealth and poverty. I have known the feeling of a warm ocean breeze on my skin as I sit in the sun-setting beach with the ones I love around me as I have known the numbness in midwinter with nothing but a thin layer of cloth on my bare back. I have known the feeling of immortality as I have survived three earth-changing disasters by a hairs’ breath as I have known the feeling of dread as I have waited for the demise of not only my own life, but also of those dearest to me. I have woken to the melodious voice of my parents in more than one blessed occasion as I have woken in a cold sweat many a nights, trembling from nameless fears. I have felt the need of solitude and dark as I have felt the pleasure of company and light. I have travelled the four corners of Asia – from the bustling slums to the thriving metropolitans. I have known the pains of luxury and the bliss of a simple life. I have found my other half in unattainable royalty at the same time as making soul-mates of the less endowed. Yet I keep on living as each day comes to an end, I keep on living as each hope comes to an end and I will keep on living as each of my fears come to an end.

Red Silhouette

Lessons to be learnt

The last few days have made me-stronger, lonelier. I lost a friend in a car crash. He was my age, handsome, cheerful, loyal and was the only family-friend i really got along with. With him, I didn't have to force a grin at a boring party. He understood what it was like to be a teenager. But now next time I attend another family get-together, I know he would not be there.

Their are two kinds of plans- one that we make for ourselves and the other that God makes for us. Only one out of the two is successful and that plan is never ours. 

No matter what I think I will be or who I will be, the future is not in my hands. So I must live in the present. We all must.

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. But today is a gift and that is why it's called present. 

Why? -- II

You can't do this to a girl. You can't expect to tell her that you "really like liked" her and hope for her not to remember. Especially if you were her first crush, maybe more. 

There really is nothing about you that I can list as OUT OF THE ORDINARY, yet I find myself falling for you every time. My usually level head spins, and my stomach starts to do cartwheels of their own accord. I bet I even blanche out when I see you anywhere nearby.

I want to be with you so much that there seems to be a constant ache, an yearning... At first, in the first few weeks, I didn't understand it. I was younger. I just thought... I don't even remember what I thought. Now after another 2 and a half years, the ache is everywhere - my mind, my heart, my soul? The further apart we go, I feel like something is tearing me inside... like I'm tethered here but the pull toward you is too strong, and I'll rip apart.

My insatiable thirst cannot be quenched by anything around me. If only you would come back to me, I would do all I can to make things better for you and me. I can not, try as I may,  forget each and every word from your lips, the mischief that played in your eyes, your carefully casual demeanor.

You can't imagine how hard it is to STAY without you, away from you. You have an excuse - you don't have my number anymore. But I still have yours. There really is no easy way to put this in writing is there? But I'm sure my emotions are just heightened and exaggerated. I can keep writing about you, but the fact remains that no amount of written words will make you appear in front of me. You don't think of me at all, do you? You have her.





Red Silhouette

Why? -- I

There is only so much that can take a mind off of things. Things you would rather not think about, things that you are not supposed to think about, things that you cannot think about. 

But now the time has come for that barrier to break, for the curtains to withdraw and the memories to fill my mind once again...

Red Silhouette