Saturday, 8 February 2014

To the one who says he is in love with me

Dear You,
Do you love me? I know you have told me this almost nine times, two of which were followed by a question mark, but do you really? Can you give me a reason? Now before you answer this, just know that I’m not fishing for compliments. You've already told me whether or not you think I’m cute/smart/interesting/unique etc. I am asking you to clarify because I'm scared. I'm scared that you love me, or even terrified, love me for the real reasons. I don’t really know what these “real reasons” are because I don’t know a lot about this whole romantic love thing. But when you say that you love me, do you mean you love chasing me? Do you mean you love staring at me from a distance? Do you mean we can talk about stuff for hours while arguing and giggling at the same time and that is why you love me? Or do you mean that although I'm irritating, coward, confused in an I-don’t-know-what-I-want kind of way and dress up like a tomboy in jeans and t-shirts because that is what I feel the most comfortable in; although I can’t stand straight while talking or look straight while walking, you still love me? If you love me like that, then I need to know. Because if you love me like that, even though there are so many things that are wrong with me, I need to know. I especially need to know, if you love me because of them. Because that, correct me if I am wrong, is real love. I don’t think that anyone has ever loved me that way, and I don’t even know whether or not ‘you’ love me like that. After me telling you ‘no’, countless times, straight on your face; after me telling you that I don’t date a person casually; after you telling me that I was the one who you feel different for; after me pushing you away yet again saying we should limit-our-conversations (and regretting it immediately); I wonder if you do actually love me like that?
I wonder ten years down the lane, looking back, reflecting; will I be thinking-“You had a guy who you almost fell in love with, who loved you (at least that was what he said), who would listen to your mindless rambling, who actually cared listening to you when the rest of the world didn't, who in some ways knew you better than your own mother, who would have gone to any boring place of your choice just to spend a little time with you, who told you that you inspired him and that he wanted to be like you, who would read your stupid quotes and would do all of this just because he wanted to be your boyfriend? You had a guy who wanted to commit to you, who wanted to prioritize you, and he never hesitated to tell you this. You had a guy who would have made you familiar with the wonders of this world hidden from your eyes.  You had a guy who loved you. And you were too scared to give him a shot. Too scared to let him in? Ten years down the lane, I don’t want to be the person thinking that.
So do you love me? Do you like ‘really’ love me? Do you love me despite the number of times I've flung your heart at the wall? Do you love me despite of the times I said no? Do you love me despite how terrified of being loved I am? Do you love me in spite of me?
And if you do, will you tell me about it? Because if you really love me in an I-don’t-care-because-I-know-you’re-the-one-for-me kind of way, I just need to know. And while I am drunk and all in a mood for straight-from-the-heart conversations (and also because I will never be able to say this on your face), I will take this opportunity to tell you that if you do, then I wouldn't mind loving you too.

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