Lessons to be learnt

The last few days have made me-stronger, lonelier. I lost a friend in a car crash. He was my age, handsome, cheerful, loyal and was the only family-friend i really got along with. With him, I didn't have to force a grin at a boring party. He understood what it was like to be a teenager. But now next time I attend another family get-together, I know he would not be there.

Their are two kinds of plans- one that we make for ourselves and the other that God makes for us. Only one out of the two is successful and that plan is never ours. 

No matter what I think I will be or who I will be, the future is not in my hands. So I must live in the present. We all must.

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. But today is a gift and that is why it's called present. 

Why? -- II

You can't do this to a girl. You can't expect to tell her that you "really like liked" her and hope for her not to remember. Especially if you were her first crush, maybe more. 

There really is nothing about you that I can list as OUT OF THE ORDINARY, yet I find myself falling for you every time. My usually level head spins, and my stomach starts to do cartwheels of their own accord. I bet I even blanche out when I see you anywhere nearby.

I want to be with you so much that there seems to be a constant ache, an yearning... At first, in the first few weeks, I didn't understand it. I was younger. I just thought... I don't even remember what I thought. Now after another 2 and a half years, the ache is everywhere - my mind, my heart, my soul? The further apart we go, I feel like something is tearing me inside... like I'm tethered here but the pull toward you is too strong, and I'll rip apart.

My insatiable thirst cannot be quenched by anything around me. If only you would come back to me, I would do all I can to make things better for you and me. I can not, try as I may,  forget each and every word from your lips, the mischief that played in your eyes, your carefully casual demeanor.

You can't imagine how hard it is to STAY without you, away from you. You have an excuse - you don't have my number anymore. But I still have yours. There really is no easy way to put this in writing is there? But I'm sure my emotions are just heightened and exaggerated. I can keep writing about you, but the fact remains that no amount of written words will make you appear in front of me. You don't think of me at all, do you? You have her.





Red Silhouette

Why? -- I

There is only so much that can take a mind off of things. Things you would rather not think about, things that you are not supposed to think about, things that you cannot think about. 

But now the time has come for that barrier to break, for the curtains to withdraw and the memories to fill my mind once again...

Red Silhouette

Wishes

There are so many things in life that I want to try - to feel the rushing of the wind as I fly out of a plane with a parachute, to feel the rain on my face as I lie on a bullock cart with hay beneath me, to be able to swim further than I have ever before, to be loved by those around me and be able to call that one place my home... 
I want to shout out to the world that I am ready for you, ready for anything that you throw at me. I am ready for any more of the pain that you might want to channel my way. I want to tell the world that I am not as feeble as I look, that I will grit my teeth and do all I can and more. That I will never give up, never will I stop dreaming and never, till my last breath, stop living.
I want just these simple things in life, but the expectations of a teenager would not make enough of a dent in the iron rod of History, so why bother with giving them even a moments' notice? But then again, a wish is a desire of a simple heart not yet accustomed to the ways of the world.




Red Silhouette 

Footprints...

Here's a story I wanted to share...

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed

he was walking along the beach with the LORD.


Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.



When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.


He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.



He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.


This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:


"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."



The LORD replied:


"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."
               
                                Author unknown

In the memory of a childhood friend

Some people come into our lives and we can’t stop thinking about them. That’s the kind of person he was. Simple.....yet so beautiful; far.....yet so near.

We all, at some point in our lives meet a person who changes us completely. Someone who makes us feel the need to be a better person. It seems as if life would have no meaning without them. That person could be a sibling, a parent, a crush...anyone. In my case it was a friend.

N.P. as he was fondly called by his buddies was my childhood friend. We joined school on the same day. We would end up talking for hours, sharing our darkest secrets and gossiping about all sorts of stuff. He was the kind of person who could really cheer you up on a dull day; just the kind of person anyone would happily agree to spend time with.

But like all good things our friendship eventually came to an end. As we grew up the 'hellos' were replaced by formal 'good mornings'. We grew up some more. He moved to a different school and I started leading a different life. Still, I never forgot him.

One sunny afternoon I saw him at the neighborhood market, standing approximately hundred yards away from me. Too afraid to initiate a conversation (mostly because of the fear of not being recognized by him), I decided to ignore him and started walking away. Just then I heard him call my name and turned around to see if it really was him. Did he still remember me? Yes, he did! We chatted for half an hour, just like the old times. Then I bid him good bye, promising to see him soon (Facebook and cell phones were not so popular back then).

Years passed and I never heard from him.

Then one day, just before the class ten board exams a friend informed me that N.P. was no more. He went on a vacation to Goa with his family to celebrate Christmas and drowned at the beaches on 25 December. His family found his body the next day.

I miss him, always did, always will. I wish I could tell him how good it was to have him as a friend. But by now he probably knows.
Flipping through the pages of the old school yearbook brought back memories of him.

Rest in peace my friend. I know you are in a better place even though its not here with us. Your presence still lingers here but I wish you could stay longer.

Maybe...

You know how parents say - " you're too young to understand", "when you get older" or "you're no ready for it yet"? Well, they never told us that the shift from the symbolic "young" to the much-awaited "adult" will not have a transition period. It is just thrust on you when you least expect it. All you can do is do your bit in the unfolding of events and go along with the tide... Or you can make a mark in the world to claim "Here...here is where I had stood against those who were there only to pull me down from my goals."

A time comes in life, when you start to question the meaning of your very existence .. That maybe, for all the glamour that others see in your life, maybe you are nothing at all -- that maybe it's the pomp and show that is the facade and you yourself have no essence; no value in life...

Truths

More than once in life I've seen

things are never what they seem - 

they seem so full of life to us

that we hurtle into dark and thus

are never able to understand 

that there are both sides to a hand:

one with palm, that only gives

other, hard truth, that only lives

on taking that which many hold

close to chest, dearer than gold,

in the minds' most sacred parts,

in the deep chasms of our hearts.

Moving Pictures...

Try out this video - I watched it the first time about 4 years ago, and it still makes me emotional. Gotta admire the lead actor...

The Traffic Warden

Red Silhouette

Apprehension...

You know that feeling that you get when you have sent a letter/sms/email to someone you consider special, and it feels like eternity just waiting for them to reply? 

Well, I'm talking (or writing, to all the sticklers for grammar...) about two things. First, I can see that there are people viewing the blog, and then if there are no comments.... it makes the authors' collaboration feel apprehensive and it also makes them consider deactivating the blog altogether. So, comments would be appreciated. 

Secondly, the feeling of waiting is getting the better of me as I have to keep waiting for the guy I like to realize that I do actually like him! It's frustrating! I'm sure there are many of us in the world who would do anything to get noticed by that one someone, to go to any lengths... but it turns out to be all in vain... Worse still is the fact that no matter how much I tell myself - "Just forget him. There are plenty others in the world." - the fact remains that if he even gives me a call, I'm compelled to pick up and rush to his side... Sucks being struck this way, right? 

Red Silhouette

Obscured Faiths

"Fear will keep you prisoner,

Hope can set you free."

These were the fabled words

that were taught to me.

Endearingly they made their way

into my childish dreams

of childish ways and childish hopes,

hopes that always seemed

a way to reach my golden dreams,

a haven in my youth.

Who knew what I know now -

the deepest, darkest truth.

I thought hope was the sweetest bud,

ready to bloom to spring,

I thought it was the happiness

an infants' smile can bring.

I thought it would clear my mind,

and make me meet my ends;

I thought hope then to be

that on which I could depend

I have come to see since then

there is no reason in such pursuit,

no reason to rely on naught,

none to claim the fruit.

For as we have been seeded, sowed

then grown to His full delight

grown we may well have been but,

as a bird who knows not flight.

Never to see the real world

the land of our fated birth,

never to feel it for what it is

this land that we call Earth.

This land with all it's ups and downs

and choices in between;

This land with blades at our heels

edge'd with moonlit sheen.

As the bird first hatch, then grows

and then begins to fly,

pulled back down to Earth it was,

not to reach above knee high.

And even if it raise its head

it must look to ground,

suffer all the colors of life

and still make not one sound.

Yet for all we do for Him,

He does not seem to see:

there is just this One chance in life,

One chance to be this Free.

As Free as the mighty beasts

pounding across the soils,

Free as the winds on the dunes

and sand that turns and toils.

There will never be this One again

the greatest time of all,

where we stand up for ourselves

and do not give in to gall.

Nor do we give in to those

trying to right us from the wrong,

we do not give up to life -

we stand and we stand strong.

But say as they do who drew the World

and made it into our Earth:

"There can only be one pursuit in life,

on charge given from birth"

There can never be any done

to rid ourselves of said burden,

there will be no end to pain,

no return from our Verdun.

As we who chose to come ourselves

onto this cursed land,

we chose it of our own Free will,

brought ourselves in hand in hand.

Red Silhouette

Misunderstanding

There is a lot in life that we don't understand. There is a lot in life that others don't understand. But the worst misunderstanding is when you misunderstand people, become prejudiced and start stereotyping. When I went to my two final years in a new school, I reserved my judgement as I was new. After two years, when I finally passed out of 12th, my newly-acquired friends confessed to thinking that I was a vain and proud student. And I know that they know that I'm not.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that there will be many people all over the world who try to bring you down on purpose. There will be even more people who would do that without actually realizing it. All you can do is....."suck it in, and tell the truth!" But make sure that you do not do to others what you don't want to be done to yourself. Does that even make sense? I hope so, because that is one of the fundamental ideal of my life, and I live by it.
I have a composition based on what I am trying to say, I hope it will make everything clearer when you read it in a while...
Red Silhouette

Don’t mind being hated, hate being misunderstood**

I came to know that some of my classmates or rather college-mates think that I have a lot of attitude (yeah and that is why I’m going nuts and chose to write on such a silly topic). Anyway, to my surprise the people who said this thing are the ones, who I (and my friends) feel have a lot of attitude (okay, I may be rambling but that’s because I feel depressed).

“Do I throw attitude on people?” This was the question I asked a few of my friends and my mother. All of their replies were the same- a smile. Now, isn’t ‘that’ supposed to be rude! I mean, what do they mean? A question can have only two answers –a yes or a no. I have started hating answers beginning and ending with a smile.

After hours of being bogged by these thoughts I came to a final conclusion-:

Nobody in this world is bad. No one wants to be alone....no one wants to be misunderstood. I don’t understand why people pre-judge a person. For example- if a boy is quiet, he is considered as being shy. But when a girl is quiet, it means she has got a lot of attitude. There’s more! If a boy parties till late then he is fun. But when a girl does the same, she becomes a bad and spoilt person. Why these orthodox notions people?!

Coincidentally, when I was returning home from college I came across a man who looked pissed off (maybe I misunderstood him too). A quote was written on his shirt :-

“You look beautiful when......you don’t talk”

But I guess when I don’t talk to someone they mistake my reserved nature for my attitude.

Can someone just tell me what people want?

**All those people who think their life is perfect and have never been misunderstood please ignore.

Black Orchid

Primal Fear

As the days go by, there are many times that I think that maybe... somehow... it was all fate? Then I think, I'm a Third Culture Kid- I don't REALLY believe in fate. At least, that's what I tell myself. 

Classes are the same as usual- bad if you attended them, worse if you bunked them and worst if the teachers catch you bunking. The first of the Internals have started their two-week long 'Green Mile', and today, for the first time, I became truly afraid of how bad cheating is- for the people who cheat AND for the people who help cheat.Being classified (wrongly, I might add...) of being a studious student of the arts, most of my friends ask me to 'help' them. Normally I don't mind. More importantly, I don't get caught. As I was in the process of helping two of my fellow partners in pursuit of higher education, the Teacher on duty just turned to me. At that moment, my heart jumped to my throat. I was going to be called out in front of everyone, humiliated, thrown out of the room, sent to the Head of the Department, and my paper was going to be confiscated. My parents might even be called in to see how their ward was acting within the College premises. But the teacher just looked at me, made sure that I saw him look at me and then pointedly turned away. It reminded me of the first part of Jurassic Park (a very popular movie of its time and even now). There was this hunter who specialized in Velociraptors- the most intelligent of the dinosaurs. He had made sure that the Raptor he was hunting had seen him before he went in for the kill...

Red Silhouette

Before everything changed…..

I always loved school. But being a practical person I couldn't understand why people always said that school days are the best. I mean, nothing is permanent. Life moves on. Now that I have finally finished high school, I understand what the fuss is all about. In simple terms-school days are the best days of anybody’s life.

                     

          We never cherish the importance of something we already have.

I still remember the last day of school. Remember sitting in the classroom with my friends, munching burger and drinking frooty. Our class resembled a fish market, with students chattering non-stop. But no one stopped us. No teacher told us to shut up, nobody told us to keep our volumes low and I realized that the last day of my school was here. I realized  This Was It! No more homework, no more uniforms, no more polished shoes, no more rules! I couldn't believe it.

Just yesterday, I was too lazy to wake up at 7. Today I could give anything to just be in this place for another month......Is death like this too?

Why are we so helpless? Why does time control us? Why can’t we just break away, set ourselves free, do what we want to, stay at a place as long as we want to?

I still remember getting out of that gate. The wall next to it had the name of my school embedded on black marble in metallic. I bid adieu to my friends, promising to stay in touch. I knew I would miss this place. I had spent 14 years of my life here and hadn't seen the world outside. I didn't know a place outside those protective walls even existed. In my heart I told myself that no matter where I go, no matter what I do, I would never forget this institution and the wonderful people I met here. I will always believe in the values given to me by this institution and carry its tradition forward by “Loving One Another”.   

Black Orchid 

Beta Test

By now you must know that this blog is only a beta, as they say in the cyber world, and as such, there is NOT going to be a daily post YET. I would like to give a daily post, but what can I do? We can't all have what we want... Do you ever feel like that? That life is just passing you by and you are just an audience? 
I think I should have taken Philosophy as my Honors course, the way I'm going on about life at college. Here's one of my compositions that kindda explains the situation:

The life is full of trials,

you can either run or flee.

Or you can show life what you are,

and face it all with glee!

What do you think? As a budding aspirant in the art of modern poetry writing, I think some encouragement never goes astray. 

Today was the 28th day that I had gone to college, and frankly, I really like the atmosphere. True, it gets really stuffy and heated up sometimes, but then again, a rose only ever grows on thorned bushes. Besides, having a positive attitude is what matters. If you step into a new part of your life, thinking that it is only a hindrance to your desires, you will soon realize that your life is becoming more of a pain than you had thought it would be. Instead, try thinking of making the day count so that when you go to bed at night, you can have a content smile on your lips. As Walt Disney said-"All dreams come true, if you have the courage to pursue them."

Red Silhouette

First Blood

Well, first term of college has started and guess what? First blood has been spilled! At least that's how it feels like to most of us first year students. 

Hmmmm.... We're out of school, but are still called 'students'. Don't you feel like this is the next stage of your life? Like something is giving us a chance to be something other than ourselves? Or atleast show our true selves? The side of us that you are sure that no one knows? Almost like Radio Rebel, wouldn't you say?

Well, as the first post goes, this is as far as I'm writing.

Red Silhouette