Apologies

Dear you (you know who you are),
I am sorry for what I did to you. Trust me I feel guilty each day for what I did. But it wasn't really my fault you know. I didn't love you. I couldn't. You were always just a friend and I was going through a really hard time. I needed love and attention and I found them in you. But I am sorry I couldn't love you back or give you the attention you needed. You said I deserved to be alone and that I would never find anyone else who can love me as much as you. I wish I could tell you that I only loved you as a friend. But thank you for being there for me and pulling me out of the darkness when I needed light the most. Thank you. I wish with all my heart that you find someone even better than me, someone who is capable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved. You were right. Love is beautiful and I know it now. We could have been perfect. Only if I loved you. And I'm sorry I couldn't make myself do that; couldn't force myself. I just couldn't. I wish I had been selfless and told you this before, so that you didn't get so involved into whatever-it-was. But I'm only human and I make mistakes. So here I am, apologizing for all your pain and every time you hurt because of me. I know I can't change what happened. If only I could go back in time and fix all of this, which I can't. I understand if you still hate me, even now. But I just want to tell you that I'm sorry.
Take care,
Me

Yes you are beautiful!

Why do we ask others to tell us if we are good looking, asking them to rate us? , Why dont we rate ourselves or have the confidence of giving ourselves a 10/10? Why do you need someone else to tell you that you look good? Do you think you are less than anybody; because if you think that you are, then no one can make you believe that you aren't. Rise up in your own eyes. Respect yourself. Have the confidence to stand in front of the mirror and say that you are beautiful, not just on the outside but also on the inside. Because if you believe in it, then you really are. I have seen my friends, so many of them comparing their looks with random people on the internet or trying to land a hotter boyfriend just to show their ex's that they made a mistake by ditching them. Is this what life is all about? About mindless comparison or about proving yourself to people who dont even matter? Don't you have the courage to feel beautiful? Don't you have the confidence to feel that you are not less than anyone? Have we lost faith in our own selves? Rather than asking anyone to rate you, rate yourself. Because only you know yourself the best. And no one can tell you where you stand. No one has the right to tell you that. You are special in your own way and are here for a purpose. Find that purpose. Fulfil it. The world is a cruel place. They won't let you feel good; but never stop believing in yourself and always remember that there are people in this world to whom you mean a lot and who take you just as you are. You are beautiful for them and maybe even their reason to smile.

To the one who says he is in love with me

Dear You,

Do you love me? I know you have told me this almost nine times, two of which were followed by a question mark, but do you really? Can you give me a reason? Now before you answer this, just know that I’m not fishing for compliments. You've already told me whether or not you think I’m cute/smart/interesting/unique etc. I am asking you to clarify because I'm scared. I'm scared that you love me, or even terrified, love me for the real reasons. I don’t really know what these “real reasons” are because I don’t know a lot about this whole romantic love thing. But when you say that you love me, do you mean you love chasing me? Do you mean you love staring at me from a distance? Do you mean we can talk about stuff for hours while arguing and giggling at the same time and that is why you love me? Or do you mean that although I'm irritating, coward, confused in an I-don’t-know-what-I-want kind of way and dress up like a tomboy in jeans and t-shirts because that is what I feel the most comfortable in; although I can’t stand straight while talking or look straight while walking, you still love me? If you love me like that, then I need to know. Because if you love me like that, even though there are so many things that are wrong with me, I need to know. I especially need to know, if you love me because of them. Because that, correct me if I am wrong, is real love. I don’t think that anyone has ever loved me that way, and I don’t even know whether or not ‘you’ love me like that. After me telling you ‘no’, countless times, straight on your face; after me telling you that I don’t date a person casually; after you telling me that I was the one who you feel different for; after me pushing you away yet again saying we should limit-our-conversations (and regretting it immediately); I wonder if you do actually love me like that?

I wonder ten years down the lane, looking back, reflecting; will I be thinking-“You had a guy who you almost fell in love with, who loved you (at least that was what he said), who would listen to your mindless rambling, who actually cared listening to you when the rest of the world didn't, who in some ways knew you better than your own mother, who would have gone to any boring place of your choice just to spend a little time with you, who told you that you inspired him and that he wanted to be like you, who would read your stupid quotes and would do all of this just because he wanted to be your boyfriend? You had a guy who wanted to commit to you, who wanted to prioritize you, and he never hesitated to tell you this. You had a guy who would have made you familiar with the wonders of this world hidden from your eyes.  You had a guy who loved you. And you were too scared to give him a shot. Too scared to let him in?” Ten years down the lane, I don’t want to be the person thinking that.

So do you love me? Do you like ‘really’ love me? Do you love me despite the number of times I've flung your heart at the wall? Do you love me despite of the times I said no? Do you love me despite how terrified of being loved I am? Do you love me in spite of me?

And if you do, will you tell me about it? Because if you really love me in an I-don’t-care-because-I-know-you’re-the-one-for-me kind of way, I just need to know. And while I am drunk and all in a mood for straight-from-the-heart conversations (and also because I will never be able to say this on your face), I will take this opportunity to tell you that if you do, then I wouldn't mind loving you too.

Love,

Me

Crestfallen

"I love you, till death do us part"

were lines that I once had read.

It spoke of undying affection,

love was what it said.

It spoke of trials, these lines above,

yet with silver linings in between.

It spoke of hardships, toils and troubles

and all that had been.

But if you think about these lines

spoken from depths of hearts,

You would see that these lines

were broken from the start.

When in love, though trials there may be,

they are never trials of love;

for if love is true and love is pure,

there can be nothing above.

With you in my head...

Has no one told you that you're perfect? For the last one year I have been observing you from a distance. I fell for you the moment I saw you - didn't know your name or who you were. But you were different from the rest of them. You still are special. I remember the first time you called out my name; remember looking around and seeing if it really was you. I still remember walking up to you with confidence but had my heartbeats so fast. And has no one ever told you that you’re beautiful? You make me swoon every time you smile. But I’m everything that you are not- a coward, a nerd, a bookworm. I can’t look you in the eye. What’s worse is that I can’t even tell you all this. It’s not the fear of rejection that holds me back, but it’s the fear of how it will end. It is the fear of getting hurt, once again, that stops me. What if you get tired of me? What if you get bored? For I am the last person anybody would want to spend time with. I can’t talk properly to people; at least not without hurting them. Growing up alone has its own disadvantages. And you will find thousands like me out there. But where will I find someone like you? So, I guess that’s how it should be left, because some things are not meant to be said. You’ll go your way and I will go mine, and our ways do not cross. But all I want you to know is that no matter what you do or where you are, you will always be in my prayers. And if life gives you something that you have always dreamed of having, just think about me, just once. That would make me the happiest person in this world. 

College Student

I have known starvation and gluttony. I have known wealth and poverty. I have known the feeling of a warm ocean breeze on my skin as I sit in the sun-setting beach with the ones I love around me as I have known the numbness in midwinter with nothing but a thin layer of cloth on my bare back. I have known the feeling of immortality as I have survived three earth-changing disasters by a hairs’ breath as I have known the feeling of dread as I have waited for the demise of not only my own life, but also of those dearest to me. I have woken to the melodious voice of my parents in more than one blessed occasion as I have woken in a cold sweat many a nights, trembling from nameless fears. I have felt the need of solitude and dark as I have felt the pleasure of company and light. I have travelled the four corners of Asia – from the bustling slums to the thriving metropolitans. I have known the pains of luxury and the bliss of a simple life. I have found my other half in unattainable royalty at the same time as making soul-mates of the less endowed. Yet I keep on living as each day comes to an end, I keep on living as each hope comes to an end and I will keep on living as each of my fears come to an end.

Red Silhouette

Lessons to be learnt

The last few days have made me-stronger, lonelier. I lost a friend in a car crash. He was my age, handsome, cheerful, loyal and was the only family-friend i really got along with. With him, I didn't have to force a grin at a boring party. He understood what it was like to be a teenager. But now next time I attend another family get-together, I know he would not be there.

Their are two kinds of plans- one that we make for ourselves and the other that God makes for us. Only one out of the two is successful and that plan is never ours. 

No matter what I think I will be or who I will be, the future is not in my hands. So I must live in the present. We all must.

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. But today is a gift and that is why it's called present. 

Why? -- II

You can't do this to a girl. You can't expect to tell her that you "really like liked" her and hope for her not to remember. Especially if you were her first crush, maybe more. 

There really is nothing about you that I can list as OUT OF THE ORDINARY, yet I find myself falling for you every time. My usually level head spins, and my stomach starts to do cartwheels of their own accord. I bet I even blanche out when I see you anywhere nearby.

I want to be with you so much that there seems to be a constant ache, an yearning... At first, in the first few weeks, I didn't understand it. I was younger. I just thought... I don't even remember what I thought. Now after another 2 and a half years, the ache is everywhere - my mind, my heart, my soul? The further apart we go, I feel like something is tearing me inside... like I'm tethered here but the pull toward you is too strong, and I'll rip apart.

My insatiable thirst cannot be quenched by anything around me. If only you would come back to me, I would do all I can to make things better for you and me. I can not, try as I may,  forget each and every word from your lips, the mischief that played in your eyes, your carefully casual demeanor.

You can't imagine how hard it is to STAY without you, away from you. You have an excuse - you don't have my number anymore. But I still have yours. There really is no easy way to put this in writing is there? But I'm sure my emotions are just heightened and exaggerated. I can keep writing about you, but the fact remains that no amount of written words will make you appear in front of me. You don't think of me at all, do you? You have her.





Red Silhouette

Why? -- I

There is only so much that can take a mind off of things. Things you would rather not think about, things that you are not supposed to think about, things that you cannot think about. 

But now the time has come for that barrier to break, for the curtains to withdraw and the memories to fill my mind once again...

Red Silhouette

Wishes

There are so many things in life that I want to try - to feel the rushing of the wind as I fly out of a plane with a parachute, to feel the rain on my face as I lie on a bullock cart with hay beneath me, to be able to swim further than I have ever before, to be loved by those around me and be able to call that one place my home... 
I want to shout out to the world that I am ready for you, ready for anything that you throw at me. I am ready for any more of the pain that you might want to channel my way. I want to tell the world that I am not as feeble as I look, that I will grit my teeth and do all I can and more. That I will never give up, never will I stop dreaming and never, till my last breath, stop living.
I want just these simple things in life, but the expectations of a teenager would not make enough of a dent in the iron rod of History, so why bother with giving them even a moments' notice? But then again, a wish is a desire of a simple heart not yet accustomed to the ways of the world.




Red Silhouette 

Footprints...

Here's a story I wanted to share...

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed

he was walking along the beach with the LORD.


Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.



When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.


He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.



He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.


This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:


"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."



The LORD replied:


"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."
               
                                Author unknown

In the memory of a childhood friend

Some people come into our lives and we can’t stop thinking about them. That’s the kind of person he was. Simple.....yet so beautiful; far.....yet so near.

We all, at some point in our lives meet a person who changes us completely. Someone who makes us feel the need to be a better person. It seems as if life would have no meaning without them. That person could be a sibling, a parent, a crush...anyone. In my case it was a friend.

N.P. as he was fondly called by his buddies was my childhood friend. We joined school on the same day. We would end up talking for hours, sharing our darkest secrets and gossiping about all sorts of stuff. He was the kind of person who could really cheer you up on a dull day; just the kind of person anyone would happily agree to spend time with.

But like all good things our friendship eventually came to an end. As we grew up the 'hellos' were replaced by formal 'good mornings'. We grew up some more. He moved to a different school and I started leading a different life. Still, I never forgot him.

One sunny afternoon I saw him at the neighborhood market, standing approximately hundred yards away from me. Too afraid to initiate a conversation (mostly because of the fear of not being recognized by him), I decided to ignore him and started walking away. Just then I heard him call my name and turned around to see if it really was him. Did he still remember me? Yes, he did! We chatted for half an hour, just like the old times. Then I bid him good bye, promising to see him soon (Facebook and cell phones were not so popular back then).

Years passed and I never heard from him.

Then one day, just before the class ten board exams a friend informed me that N.P. was no more. He went on a vacation to Goa with his family to celebrate Christmas and drowned at the beaches on 25 December. His family found his body the next day.

I miss him, always did, always will. I wish I could tell him how good it was to have him as a friend. But by now he probably knows.
Flipping through the pages of the old school yearbook brought back memories of him.

Rest in peace my friend. I know you are in a better place even though its not here with us. Your presence still lingers here but I wish you could stay longer.

Maybe...

You know how parents say - " you're too young to understand", "when you get older" or "you're no ready for it yet"? Well, they never told us that the shift from the symbolic "young" to the much-awaited "adult" will not have a transition period. It is just thrust on you when you least expect it. All you can do is do your bit in the unfolding of events and go along with the tide... Or you can make a mark in the world to claim "Here...here is where I had stood against those who were there only to pull me down from my goals."

A time comes in life, when you start to question the meaning of your very existence .. That maybe, for all the glamour that others see in your life, maybe you are nothing at all -- that maybe it's the pomp and show that is the facade and you yourself have no essence; no value in life...

Truths

More than once in life I've seen

things are never what they seem - 

they seem so full of life to us

that we hurtle into dark and thus

are never able to understand 

that there are both sides to a hand:

one with palm, that only gives

other, hard truth, that only lives

on taking that which many hold

close to chest, dearer than gold,

in the minds' most sacred parts,

in the deep chasms of our hearts.

Moving Pictures...

Try out this video - I watched it the first time about 4 years ago, and it still makes me emotional. Gotta admire the lead actor...

The Traffic Warden

Red Silhouette

Apprehension...

You know that feeling that you get when you have sent a letter/sms/email to someone you consider special, and it feels like eternity just waiting for them to reply? 

Well, I'm talking (or writing, to all the sticklers for grammar...) about two things. First, I can see that there are people viewing the blog, and then if there are no comments.... it makes the authors' collaboration feel apprehensive and it also makes them consider deactivating the blog altogether. So, comments would be appreciated. 

Secondly, the feeling of waiting is getting the better of me as I have to keep waiting for the guy I like to realize that I do actually like him! It's frustrating! I'm sure there are many of us in the world who would do anything to get noticed by that one someone, to go to any lengths... but it turns out to be all in vain... Worse still is the fact that no matter how much I tell myself - "Just forget him. There are plenty others in the world." - the fact remains that if he even gives me a call, I'm compelled to pick up and rush to his side... Sucks being struck this way, right? 

Red Silhouette

Obscured Faiths

"Fear will keep you prisoner,

Hope can set you free."

These were the fabled words

that were taught to me.

Endearingly they made their way

into my childish dreams

of childish ways and childish hopes,

hopes that always seemed

a way to reach my golden dreams,

a haven in my youth.

Who knew what I know now -

the deepest, darkest truth.

I thought hope was the sweetest bud,

ready to bloom to spring,

I thought it was the happiness

an infants' smile can bring.

I thought it would clear my mind,

and make me meet my ends;

I thought hope then to be

that on which I could depend

I have come to see since then

there is no reason in such pursuit,

no reason to rely on naught,

none to claim the fruit.

For as we have been seeded, sowed

then grown to His full delight

grown we may well have been but,

as a bird who knows not flight.

Never to see the real world

the land of our fated birth,

never to feel it for what it is

this land that we call Earth.

This land with all it's ups and downs

and choices in between;

This land with blades at our heels

edge'd with moonlit sheen.

As the bird first hatch, then grows

and then begins to fly,

pulled back down to Earth it was,

not to reach above knee high.

And even if it raise its head

it must look to ground,

suffer all the colors of life

and still make not one sound.

Yet for all we do for Him,

He does not seem to see:

there is just this One chance in life,

One chance to be this Free.

As Free as the mighty beasts

pounding across the soils,

Free as the winds on the dunes

and sand that turns and toils.

There will never be this One again

the greatest time of all,

where we stand up for ourselves

and do not give in to gall.

Nor do we give in to those

trying to right us from the wrong,

we do not give up to life -

we stand and we stand strong.

But say as they do who drew the World

and made it into our Earth:

"There can only be one pursuit in life,

on charge given from birth"

There can never be any done

to rid ourselves of said burden,

there will be no end to pain,

no return from our Verdun.

As we who chose to come ourselves

onto this cursed land,

we chose it of our own Free will,

brought ourselves in hand in hand.

Red Silhouette

Misunderstanding

There is a lot in life that we don't understand. There is a lot in life that others don't understand. But the worst misunderstanding is when you misunderstand people, become prejudiced and start stereotyping. When I went to my two final years in a new school, I reserved my judgement as I was new. After two years, when I finally passed out of 12th, my newly-acquired friends confessed to thinking that I was a vain and proud student. And I know that they know that I'm not.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that there will be many people all over the world who try to bring you down on purpose. There will be even more people who would do that without actually realizing it. All you can do is....."suck it in, and tell the truth!" But make sure that you do not do to others what you don't want to be done to yourself. Does that even make sense? I hope so, because that is one of the fundamental ideal of my life, and I live by it.
I have a composition based on what I am trying to say, I hope it will make everything clearer when you read it in a while...
Red Silhouette

Don’t mind being hated, hate being misunderstood**

I came to know that some of my classmates or rather college-mates think that I have a lot of attitude (yeah and that is why I’m going nuts and chose to write on such a silly topic). Anyway, to my surprise the people who said this thing are the ones, who I (and my friends) feel have a lot of attitude (okay, I may be rambling but that’s because I feel depressed).

“Do I throw attitude on people?” This was the question I asked a few of my friends and my mother. All of their replies were the same- a smile. Now, isn’t ‘that’ supposed to be rude! I mean, what do they mean? A question can have only two answers –a yes or a no. I have started hating answers beginning and ending with a smile.

After hours of being bogged by these thoughts I came to a final conclusion-:

Nobody in this world is bad. No one wants to be alone....no one wants to be misunderstood. I don’t understand why people pre-judge a person. For example- if a boy is quiet, he is considered as being shy. But when a girl is quiet, it means she has got a lot of attitude. There’s more! If a boy parties till late then he is fun. But when a girl does the same, she becomes a bad and spoilt person. Why these orthodox notions people?!

Coincidentally, when I was returning home from college I came across a man who looked pissed off (maybe I misunderstood him too). A quote was written on his shirt :-

“You look beautiful when......you don’t talk”

But I guess when I don’t talk to someone they mistake my reserved nature for my attitude.

Can someone just tell me what people want?

**All those people who think their life is perfect and have never been misunderstood please ignore.

Black Orchid

Primal Fear

As the days go by, there are many times that I think that maybe... somehow... it was all fate? Then I think, I'm a Third Culture Kid- I don't REALLY believe in fate. At least, that's what I tell myself. 

Classes are the same as usual- bad if you attended them, worse if you bunked them and worst if the teachers catch you bunking. The first of the Internals have started their two-week long 'Green Mile', and today, for the first time, I became truly afraid of how bad cheating is- for the people who cheat AND for the people who help cheat.Being classified (wrongly, I might add...) of being a studious student of the arts, most of my friends ask me to 'help' them. Normally I don't mind. More importantly, I don't get caught. As I was in the process of helping two of my fellow partners in pursuit of higher education, the Teacher on duty just turned to me. At that moment, my heart jumped to my throat. I was going to be called out in front of everyone, humiliated, thrown out of the room, sent to the Head of the Department, and my paper was going to be confiscated. My parents might even be called in to see how their ward was acting within the College premises. But the teacher just looked at me, made sure that I saw him look at me and then pointedly turned away. It reminded me of the first part of Jurassic Park (a very popular movie of its time and even now). There was this hunter who specialized in Velociraptors- the most intelligent of the dinosaurs. He had made sure that the Raptor he was hunting had seen him before he went in for the kill...

Red Silhouette